At four years old I was a happy child for the most part. I remember playing at family gatherings and running with my cousins. I also remember frequent trips to the ladies room. In the middle of swimming...had to get out...In the middle of tag...had to go in...During hide-n-go-seek...had to come down...In the middle of playing house...had to get up(I was always the house pet). Never a time when I didn't feel like I needed to "go".
"She has a Urinary Tract Infection.", My grandmother assumed. So I went to the doctor. It wasn't.
"Well if you just give her some cranberry juice she should feel fine." A doctor would explain. So for years I lived feeling like the living embodiment of "Flight of the Bumble Bee" drinking in cranberry juice to turn my skin red (it didn't, though it might have been more interesting that way.)
Finally my stepmother, Dana, found a urologist how took a look at me. He couldn't find anything wrong with me either. So he decided to take a look inside my 9 year old bladder.
After going through "exploratory surgery" the doctor said, "we couldn't find anything wrong with you, though your bladder wall is abnormally thick."
For some strange reason after that pointless surgery I didn't feel like I had to pee all the time. I felt normal (well as normal as
I could be). An occasional irritation, but nothing too awful.
Five years past when finally I had a boyfriend. He and I got serious and decided to go the whole way. Weeks after losing my virginity I felt extreme pain in my pelvic region. It hurt to pee and when I finished it felt like I had to go again. This wasn't like when I was little because instead of just being annoying, this was painful.
So back to the doctor I went. This time it was a bladder infection. So I took my antibiotics and hoped for the best. Once it cleared up everything was great for a few days. Then it started to irritate again. And when I had sex with my boyfriend it hurt, like he was made of sand paper.I found that I now had a yeast infection. GREAT! So I treated that, which only upset my urethra. After getting rid of that my bladder started acting up again. I put up with it for months but finally it started to hurt so bad I couldn't sleep. I would spend hours in the bath tub or sitting straight up, filling myself with water so when I peed at least something would come out. It was miserable. BACK TO THE DOCTOR!
"No infection, but heres something you can use. Usept." Little did I know my doctor had just prescribed me heaven in a bottle. The one pain killer that didn't just dull the pain. It made my urine a lovely orange color which was fun, it was king of like a party favor for killing the pain. So there it was, I was to just spend the rest of my life on Usept and I would be fine. So I spent a few years on it, occasionally going off it when I was feeling fine but right back on when it started up. I had used it so much instead of taking two I was up to four at a time. Two just didn't work anymore, my body became used to it.
One day while visiting my Dad, my stepmom comes to me and starts talking about this woman she met. How she had everything I had, but she had a diagnosis,
Interstitial Cystitis.
For years now I have known that what I have can't be cured. That it makes sex an uncomfortable experience. That it makes life an uncomfortable experience. Now at just age 20:
- I get yeast infections all the time.
- I hurt from my bladder almost always ESPECIALLY after sex.
- I have a cyst on one of my ovaries.
- I had to have my appendix removed
- I'm terrified I wont have children
- I can't seem to quit smoking
- And I can't seem to hold a job do to health
So why really am I not trying desperately
to kill myself?
- I have a gorgeous boyfriend who I've been crushing on since I was in middle school.
- I have a friend that people only wish they had
- I have a family who, despite their flaws and mine, love me
- I have god
- I have my cigarettes (hey thats why I can't quit them)
- I have my love for animals (which is hopefully the career I will be taking)
- But mostly, I have hope.
I just think when god was putting me together,
He did my plumbing blind folded.
